it was supposed to be me

a lover for every month

near enough

four out of seven

two out of four

and one above all else to complete me as whole

terrible to feel loves firm grip slip away

or push loves tender hand off one’s shoulder

i can never understand

how love can come and go so swiftly

yet while its here it seems so beautiful

the world is alight with hues of golds and blues

and its warm and there are flowers everywhere

even night is beautiful with stars ablaze for two new lovers

and yet when love decides to leave….

 

darkness ensues and with lonliness

thats the worst part

the linen creases to shape of one

the bed seems ever larger

and every noise in the night is frightening

old nightmares returning

haunted by day and tormented by night

the feeling of your hands on my skin 

and my lips go dry thinking of how you would kiss me

i hear your voice echo in my head

all those words you spoke with such sincerity

it is it any wonder why i cant stop the tears?

 

 

where are you? and where did you go?

what happened to the promises and the fears we shared?

because i remember the feeling when you played with my hair

and said i was amazing and i laughed and kissed you

that was love

the room was fire with it

you whispered “are you okay honey” and i said 

“of course, arent i with you?”

i think you kissed me lightly that time we were alone

and wanted more of me than ever before

so the thought of another laying where i lay

in the nook between your arm and chest

well it makes me ill and chilly

my skin tenses and my teeth clench

because it was supposed to be me

if i knew back then in a haze of lights and loud voices

that you would steal into my being

and trick me with words and actions

resembling love

why i would have run

run further than i had ever ran before

but i didnt know and nor did you

that one day i would be sick of you

i said “i love you” long before i meant it

but one night you held me just a little bit closer than usual

and the earth crumbled beneath my feet and i remember

falling deep and hard all at once

it was a swift movement not like before

then you were flowing in my veins

and i needed more of you

sadly you soon were not enough

theres the irony

i asked and pleaded for more

yet soon i was to leave you

why bother with this at all

its use by date approaching

ever the ironic twists

i want you now in my veins

i want your voice in my ear

telling me secrets and talking of love

your blue eyes twinkling in faded blue lights

all i ask for

one more kiss

to test it

sweetness i had never known

now im afraid

now im afraid

to say i love you or im sick of you

sick of waiting for love

for it never comes

or rather it never stays

my heart has stopped existing

its frozen in time

in an airport somewhere distant

 

sickness

love is a sickness

it seeps into every part of your body and mind

creeps into your feeling of time

lays you down on your bed on a sunny afternoon

and kisses the pain away

love brings you flowers when it means to say “im sorry”

love is picking you up early for a date

above all love is a sickness

its makes you make decisions based on jealousy

twisting words and spreading lies

love makes us cheat

love ensures we are only happy when making it

and sometimes, not even then

love is a dirty sickness

and we are all in love with it

dirty fools

hoping to find the cure in another

as we kiss the pain away

as we wake up next to strangers

or loved ones who wont love us enough

or lovers turned to liars

love is sickness

a sickness

and we are all sick with it

 

i remember

i remember them all

the ones who tried to steal my heart

one was truly magnificent; honest eyes and wry smiles

another; elusive and infuriating and thus the passion was on fire

and the latest so charismatic and coy

they took me by the hand

and led me down the garden path

and foolish me, i closed my eyes to take it in

the beauty of the scene

the beauty of he and i together

and when i opened them he was gone

now atop my shelf their sits

three vases

all with the wilted flowers from each garden

and inside my chest; three broken hearts and still one gaping hole

love sets in

the sky turned purple and the golds just blended in

on that bright morning your love set in

set deep inside me, somewhere i had thought was gone

closed up forever

no

you broke through

beautiful and careful

kind and thoughtful

clever

and then i turned from the window and you smiled at me

said “i wish we could stay like this”

and so i kissed you in that morning light

when it was just us

caught in a secret, perfect moment

drenched in purples, pinks and golds

letting the love set in

time keeper

i awake late

not by my own fault

but because of a simple flaw

my time keeping is a little off.

 

in awakening late i miss things

my mind is not truly on target

and so when you told me to be patient

it didnt resonate

and i began to rush.

 

also i slept through a rather important meeting

and i was sleep walking through life

even when i felt you had woken me up fully

i was still in a dream like haze.

 

but now you are gone

foolish me and my terrible time keeping

yes

more fool me for allowing you

to lead me down the garden path

and even more the fool on me

for allowing you to wander back up it

as i again fell asleep on you

on myself

on life.

the light got dimmer

the moment our hands parted for the last time

you asked me not to look back at you

but i couldnt resist

you looked a little sad

but you couldnt know how much my heart was breaking

the pain inside my chest

and the empty feeling in my stomach

it hasnt left

its been heightened everyday

being away from you

the light keeps dimming

i laugh a little less

i can barely smile

i feel like im wasting my time

being away from you

i feel like im wasting away

being away from you